But me no Butts!

Why do people talk about “my” surgeon, or “my” endocrinologist? Listen to me people, they are not yours – they are anybody’s who can pay or who has insurance! Personally, I do not share your delight to hear that “my gynecologist goes to our church.” and is always, “willing to lend a hand at the BBQ.” Lady, believe me, I would rather not know if your “gyny” has had a hand in the potato salad, in fact, given the choice, I would rather not live in the same town as a proctologist!

Which brings me to the point of this article – colonoscopy. Just what sort of person is it that sat down and suddenly thought that pushing a tube fitted with a camera up all and sundry’s rectum was a good idea? I had the misfortune (against my better judgment) to undergo this procedure recently. I should have realized at the first appointment when approximately 1500 patients were gathered in a small waiting room – all with an appointment at 1:00 p.m., that this was not going to be pleasant. Colonoscopies are all about physician profits. Do the math. I exaggerated the 1500, there were only about 30, but you know there was going to be another 30 at 2:00 p.m. and another 30 on the hour, every hour until 6:00 p.m. So 150 @ $140.00 grosses out (in more ways than one) to $21,000. The subsequent procedure generates another $1500 per patient which (allowing for a 25% chickening out) nets $168,000. Lab fees for sections taken, whether necessary or not, earns $22,000 in butt end bonuses.

Leaving the initial appointment, you will be provided with a fistful of prescriptions “loosely” designed to clean out your system the day before your “procedure”.

You may have heard of a medical condition known as “projectile vomiting”. There is another condition (not talked about in polite circles, but fair game here) called “pressure hose motioning”*. By the time you go to bed the night before (having fasted all day) two 18-wheelers traveling side by side, could drive comfortably through your intestines. To add insult to injury and humiliation, you are required to take not one, but TWO enemas the following morning. The procedure itself is not too bad (Yea Demerol!!!) And afterwards the doctor will spend 12.75 seconds telling your “companion” what he found, and that the report on the healthy tissue he lasered from your colon, will take ten days to come in. The patient is then taken to a recovery room where a great deal of gas is passed in the company of 29 strangers who are also passing copious amounts of gas.

This is truly a miracle of modern medicine and economics.

* Actually the real name is far more graphic!